Rest in Peace, Beautiful

My Grandma passed away at 3:30 this morning—July 29, 2011. She opened her eyes wide and took a few last breaths. My Mom and Dad were there with her when she went. Her last week was fairly peaceful, which in some way was harder to witness than her constant agitation because it meant she would be leaving soon. For days she didn't eat or drink, didn't talk, no longer held my hand while I held hers.

One day last week she started crying when I arrived at the hospice and said, "I guess I have to say goodbye to you. But I'll see you again in heaven." It broke my heart, yet amazed me. She spent so much time in a world of dementia that I didn't know if she could grasp what was happening to her, or if she did I wondered if she could find the words to communicate about it.

The sense of relief that I thought I would feel has yet to come. She had been suffering physically, mentally and emotionally for quite some time, and wishing for mercy for her had become my state of mind. In my rational thoughts on this matter I had strength. I was ready for her to go. I said this daily to friends.

For months I have been anticipating a giant sigh of relief. But now, I just feel loss. The house feels emptier today even though she had already been away in hospice for a month. I sat on the deck this morning drinking coffee and watching the bird feeder like we used to do together. I lay on her bed and sobbed. I kissed the wedding photo of her and grandpa, I apologized for all of the times I screwed-up while I was with her. I thanked her for this opportunity.

I think now of how I'll never get to have her potica ever again, even though she hadn't been able to bake for the last couple of years. I think of how long it would take her to walk from the toilet to the shower in the morning and of how I would smirk at the cute little s-curve of her wrinkled little bum as she ambled the ten feet with her walker. I want to make her some bread and butter—her favorite meal.

I miss you Grandma. Thank you for this rare opportunity of when my heart is bigger than my brain and I get to feel instead of think. I love you Grandma. I hope you are with Grandpa, and your Mom and Dad. Thank you for everything. I miss your song.

Some Photos After Dinner

Today was the first day since I've had grandma that I got a little time to myself. My mom took her to a hearing aid appointment and I went to Whole Foods. Yeah, big day out, I know.  It was in the 80s today here in the upstate, and I was excited to get home to fire up the bbq. So, I bought some fish and we ate that with some green beans and mushrooms on the back deck and watched the sunset. We finished up with some chocolate chip cookies.

I had bought grandma a new outfit last night at Target while we were in town since most of her clothes are stained from her time in the nursing home. I was thinking she looked awfully pretty tonight so I got a few shots of her. I put this apron on her for every meal because she ends up wearing a good portion of it. So, I had to get one of her still wearing it and eating her cookie.

 Oh, as we were finishing dinner she asked, "Where did our little boy go?".
"What little boy?", I asked.
"The one who brought home the groceries," she replied.
"That was me,  grandma".
Confused stare...

The images look so much better big, so I recommend you click on them individually.

And thank you to everyone who sent me a message today to wish me luck and tell me how they enjoyed the new blog, etc. It really means a lot and I will get back to you eventually. Goodnight! xoxoxo, B